Wednesday, July 18, 2012
On Fear
I hear these questions on a continous playback reel in my head lately. I assure you this is nothing new. I am a girl who, for the most part, likes to play things safe. I was a rule follower in school because I was pretty sure I'd get caught and get in trouble if I didn't. And getting in trouble at school meant my parents finding out, and even worse, having to explain to my grandfather, my idol, the horrible thing I had done to bring shame upon myself and the family name. No pressure. So I tended to be a pretty good kid. If I wanted to do something I knew I wasn't supposed to, I usually asked my parents first. Keep in mind, I had fairly laid back (if somewhat overprotective) hippie parents. As long as I was unlikely to get hurt, hurt anyone else, or end up in jail, they were pretty cool. They let me try things, make my own choices, make my own mistakes, and supported me throughout it all.
So what is my challenge now? What AM I so afraid of? Change. Even when I am fairly certain it is a change for the better, the idea of changing from the proverbial Devil That I Know to step into any new situation with a Devil That I Don't is absolutely paralyzingly frightening to me. It isn't like I haven't successfully navigated innumerable changes before in my forty-something years. I have, but have I ever done it without a feeling of nausea and impending doom? Not that I can recall.
This change even includes the change of meeting people in a new environment. Attending a social gathering in a place where I know next to no one can be almost crippling to me at times. For those who know me, this may be hard to believe because, on stage, I am fearless. If it is in the script, or will improve the show in some way, I am 100% balls-to-the-wall ready for anything! I always have been. But on stage, I get to be someone else. When I have to be me, around people I don't know, I am terrified. The whole meeting new people thing represents a change to my little bubble of comfort where I know everyone and they know me. They get my jokes, they know I am a big bag of crazy, and they love me anyway. What will I do with new people on their own turf? Panic!
Does any of this mean I don't try? Does it mean I don't step out of my Hermit Crab shell and try to feel the sun on my face? Sometimes it does. Sometimes I curl up in a ball in my pjs and stay in bed cursing my own cowardice. But other times, other times I feel just a little bit strong and just a little bit brave and decide to give it a shot. Those days I realize that the worst that can happen is I fail at whatever it is I wanted to try. I end up right back where I started. I fall on my ass trying to Rollerblade, I crash into a tree trying to learn to ski, I nearly pass out trying to jog half a block, (Notice a theme?) I draw a total blank in the middle of the monologue at the audition, I don't get the part, I step out of the car at the party and end up with my pants on the ground when the drawstring breaks then have to hold them up as I walk in the door to ask the hostess for a safety pin (Mortifying!). That was an ice breaker for sure! And the party was a lot of fun.
What's the big deal? Chances are pretty good I end up with one hell of a funny story out of it, maybe a few scars, maybe a few tears, but almost always a good story.
This was written in response to the Weekly Prompt "What Are You So Afraid Of ?" at http://studio30plus.com/forum/topics/of-sales-and-fear
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Allriight
ReplyDeleteLove this - so hear you xxoo
ReplyDeleteYou never know unless you try!! This was a fantastic post.
ReplyDeleteIt cut me off. Haha! Anyways...you should be so proud of yourself!!! Way to go. ;)
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, Mel. You have been such an inspiration to me. I appreciate all of your support and encouragement.
DeleteChange is scary, especially when it's provoked by something totally out of your control and forces you into a huge transition... But I agree with you, often times the worst that can happen is a really great and funny story!
ReplyDeleteNice take!
Thanks so much! I'm trying to learn to roll with it and look for the story, but it is still hard. I appreciate the feedback!
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