Sunday, July 27, 2014
For the last ten days I have been trying to figure out how to share what is going on in my world right now because I need all of the healing energy I can get. Most of the time, I am so busy telling myself that it isn't going to be any big deal that I don't have time to think about the fact that it IS kind of a big deal. I wish it felt like a better one.
One week from Tuesday, on August 5th, I will join the noble ranks of the "Hyster Sisters," when I have a hysterectomy of my very own. (Cue the fireworks!). Again, I keep telling myself that it is nothing. Millions of women have them every day, many of whom are very close to me. They are all fine. I should be, too. Right?
I am making To Do lists, making lists for my lists, checking things off, and adding new things to my lists at breakneck speed. I am exhausted! But the minute my heads hits the pillow, my brain kicks into overdrive and I have to listen to the Buddhify meditation app over and over just to get to sleep.
My dreams have been ridiculous! I remember them when I first wake up, but they are so bizarre and disturbing that I'm pretty sure I am blocking them out completely within the first hour after opening my eyes. It is so loud in my head! Does this happen to everyone? Does it ever stop?
They tell me my recovery depends on many things, including whether or not it is laparoscopic, traditional cut, or a combination. That could mean anywhere from two weeks to two months or so! I am a teacher. School starts for me eight days after the surgery, and the kids return exactly two weeks after the surgery. This is one of my biggest worries. I know that my school family is supporting me through this, and they will do all they can to help, but what do I do about not being there when the kids start? How will that work? How do I prepare someone else to start the year with my kids in just a few days? I have so much that I want to do with them... I have so much that I want to do. Period. The important stuff will get done, right? It always does, right? All will be well, right? Those are the things I have saying to other people for years. Why is it so hard for me to listen to it when I say it to myself now?
Hyster Sisters out there, have you wisdom to offer on this subject? Thoughts from anyone would be most welcome. I am trying so hard to be calm, Zen, and accepting of this change. But, good gracious, it is hard in the quiet moments! At least I finally wrote some of it out of my head. Now I need to go make another list.
Peace, love, and light.