Thursday, June 16, 2016

The Breast Cancer Chronicles : Volume Five, The Roller Coaster Continues

I think the things that are challenging me the most right now are my own expectations. I feel like I should be able to get everything done that I want to do, when I want to do it. I feel like I should be able to do my job by myself, without asking for help. I feel like I should be able to handle all of the doctors' visits, and paperwork, and testing, and scheduling, and meds on my own, without needing to be reminded. I feel like I should be able to go to sleep when I go to bed, and wake up with my first alarm and live my life as usual. I feel like I should be able to handle two big, energetic, crazy dogs and a neurotic cat on my own... But I can't. That is the reality that has smacked me square in the face, over and over again today. I can't do it all on my own. I HATE THAT.

I love that I have friends and family who want to help. I appreciate that more than I have words to express. I know that I Need that help, but I don't Like that I need that help. I don't like putting an extra burden on other people. I like taking care of other people. I am so uncomfortable with the shoe on the other foot. But I know that learning to walk in these uncomfortable shoes is part of my lesson in this journey. (If those shoes could have red soles toward the end of the journey, that would make it easier to handle.)

I read somewhere that the greatest way we can  show our love for others is by allowing them to help us. Well, if this is true, I must seriously suck at showing love for others! OR maybe this is the first time that I really have the chance to show all of those who have asked to help just how much I do love them. That must be it! This is my chance to show that I love everyone enough to Ask for help. Now if I can figure out what shape that help should take, I'll be one step closer to making it happen.

Thank you to everyone who has asked how to help. I am working on figuring that out, but will put it into words as soon as I do.

At work, my colleagues have gone out of their way to take things off my plate, and for this I am grateful beyond words. Working from home for some of my more challenging times has also become an option. For this I am grateful. Hugs, tissues, pep talks, ears, and shoulders appeared today just when I needed them. For this I am grateful.

Tonight we honored the birth of Middle Sister. For this, I am grateful. To have her home, even for a little while, is a tonic to my soul. For this I am grateful. Tonight I learned that Baby Sis and Monster will be home to help me through the surgery and recovery. For this I am grateful. Tonight I am warm, safe, and surrounded by healing energy. For this, I am grateful.

Be well, my friends and know that, for each of you, I am grateful.




  1. I'm here... And would love to help! I love you and I hope today is a stronger day. Smile, you never have to do it on your own. Xoxoxo

    1. Thanks, Jen. I know you are, and you already help so much! An afternoon or evening sipping umbrella drinks in your pool will go a long way, too! Love you

  2. Your capacity for compassion is miraculous. You have made so many lives better, including my own. You saved me the night Greg died. I've spent 2 and a half years wondering if I would ever be able to show you the support you showed me during that nightmare. So if it helps, don't think of it as asking me for help. Think of it as giving me some comfort to know that I can be there for you the way you were there for me. By helping yourself, you're helping me to feel better. And I'll bet there are dozens of others who would appreciate the chance to help, too. When you ask them for help, you allow them to feel validated, which helps them. So, please. Let me know what I can do. I love you so much.

    1. Oh, Tiger, thank you!
      My friend, you just made my eyes leak with those kind words. Love you so much!